Oar & Order
Independent MP Rupert Lowe sprang into action last week after spotting a dinghy near Great Yarmouth and immediately concluded it was full of illegal migrants.
Brandishing his phone and an overdeveloped sense of national peril, Lowe posted the sighting to X, alerted the Coastguard, and vowed to use “every tool” to ensure the occupants’ swift deportation. The occupants, it turned out, were four charity rowers raising money for motor neurone disease.
By morning, Lowe admitted it was a “false alarm,” pledged £1,000 to the cause, and clarified that while the rowers would be spared mass deportation, “illegal immigrants” still deserved it.
The rowers — attempting Land’s End to John O’Groats, which makes the Channel crossing look like a quick paddle — found it “hilarious.” Former Royal Marine Mike Bates particularly enjoyed the suggestion that the Royal Navy should be dispatched while the Royal Navy was, in fact, sitting in the boat.
Witnesses reported locals flashing torches, a drone buzzing overhead, and a police car rolling onto the beach, presumably to defend Norfolk from the looming threat of Lycra-clad oarsmen.
They have now raised over £100,000 and hope to reach £57 million, which may be possible if MPs keep mistaking them for the Normandy landings.